A few weeks ago Aaron and I went out to one of the gay bars in Dublin for a few drinks. It was pretty early, the bar wasn’t that crowded, you could actually hear yourself talk and to make it even better we were able to get a table. A table is always a big plus. When I was young, single and looking for some fun I would always hang out trying to look cool by the front door or the bathroom. I figured that way you eventually saw everyone who was there without having to continually make your rounds.
After we sat down a table of 4 younger guys came in and sat down next to us. I should clarify that. When your my age and say younger it could be anywhere from 20 to 50. I would imagine these guys were around 25 from the bits and pieces of their conversation I overheard. At some point I heard someone say something about dating and relationships which I did not agree with. Of course, I could not keep my thoughts to myself and found it necessary to inject myself into their conversation.
When Aaron and I finally left the bar we were surprised how late it was as we had been having such a good time talking with our new friends, who actually thought all my advice about dating and relationships was pretty good, so I thought I would share some of it, which I mainly learned from so many of my own fuckups.
1. Before you date anyone else make sure you enjoy dating yourself. Before you can enjoy your own company you will never truly be able to judge how much you enjoy being with someone else. You will also most likely be running towards the first person who will put up with you. I made this mistake a few times especially when I was not on good terms with myself. I can’t tell you how important it is to enjoy yourself, being with yourself, entertaining yourself and being happy in your own company. Once you are able to enjoy your own company you will find you can be much more discriminating in the type of person you are looking for. Don’t settle for less.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask someone out. Of course no one likes to hear no, but if you think about it the upside is so much greater than the downside. Remember nothing ventured nothing gained.
3. Listen to your gut, not your friends. Often, I had friends telling me what a wonderful person someone was and how crazy I was not to want to date them. It did not take me long to realize that no matter how great a catch they were, if it was not clicking after three dates it most likely wasn’t gonna start after four. All types of people make up the world and never settle until that right person comes along.
In addition to trusting your gut, trust your dick. If your dick isn’t dancing up and down in anticipation of seeing him most likely it’s not suddenly going to start after the second time you see him. I know we all get cases of nerves sometimes and our dicks don’t always work like we want them to, but I think we all all know the difference between nerves and no interest.
4. Don’t waste your time, ( or theirs.)
5. So you think you found someone. You enjoy them and your time together. Soon enough you will start seeing things that bother you. Now you have to start asking yourself some questions. Are these things that bother you small things that you can learn to accept like leaving the lights on all the time, peeing on the seat or deal breakers like he doesn’t want to be monogamous. No matter how much you care for this person, most likely he will not become monogamous. One time one of my brothers was seeing a woman who was cheating on her husband. My dad said to him, “you know, Wayne if she is cheating on him, she will do the same to you.” Wouldn’t you know it after a few years, marriage and two kids, she did the same to him. A Leopard can’t, (or usually won’t,) change their spots.
6. Be honest with yourself. I can’t remember how many times I tried to fool myself into believing I did not really need to have my hopes and dreams in my relationship fulfilled because I was too scared to break things off.
7. You can change but don’t fool yourself and think the other person is going to change or that you can change them. Sometimes the writing is on the wall from the beginning but we choose not to see it. I once went out with a guy for quite a long time despite knowing after the first month that most of the effort into the relationship was going to be from my end.
He initially called to ask me out and did so about three other times. After that it was always me. I even confronted him about this telling him a relationship was a two way street. He changed a bit but all of the work going into the relationship was going to have to come from me. I fooled myself into thinking that this was okay. I told myself he had other good traits. In the end I realized I had just been fooling myself a relationship is a two way way street. I wasted a lot of time but l learned an important lesson. A relationship is give and take and you want it t be as close to 50-50 as you can get.
8. If you are looking for a relationship and have one or two fuck buddies, beware. Beginning a relationship takes a lot of work. I have had many friends complain they can't find a relationship when they are fucking around four nights a week. I always tell them I'm not surprised, they are too tired to put any work into what they say they are really looking for.
9. Don’t be afraid to rock the boat. You should be able to say what you are thinking or feeling without worrying about being rejected or humiliated. Always belief in yourself and what you deserve.
I wish I had learned all of this when I was much younger. In a way, I suppose I was too busy trying to make other people happy and forgot to take care of myself and my own needs. Remember you come first and don't be fooled into thinking otherwise. If any of you have other advice I would love to hear it.